By Allyse Jorgensen
Many parents can relate to the difficulty of dropping their child off with a caregiver or childcare center with the child kicking, crying, or pleading. Parents may want to run to their children and take them right back home. When children have difficulty separating, many parents understandably worry about why this is happening and how they can help their child. Is my child developing properly? Have we coddled our toddler too much? Parents often assume the distressed separation reactions are entirely their fault.
Fortunately, this assumption is incorrect.
Understanding infant and toddler attachment, especially the concept that separation anxiety is developmentally appropriate and healthy for babies and young children, not only helps parents deal with the trauma of separation, but also helps them to create routines and rituals designed to diminish it. Although no quick fix or one-size-fits-all solution exists, as parents better understand what causes separation anxiety, they will be better equipped to help their children through the process.
What is Separation Anxiety?
Separation anxiety, the distress a child undergoes when separating from their parents, typically occurs among infants and young toddlers ages 8 to 24 months old. This form of anxiety may arise after the age of 2 when large changes (such as starting preschool) occur in the lives of older toddlers and preschoolers. Reactions typically involve the following behaviors, which usually subside after the parent is out of view:
crying
screaming
clinging to parents
resisting other caregivers
restlessness or moodiness
Many parents worry that they did something wrong in raising their child and inadvertently caused their child’s separation anxiety. While it is true that “childhood separation anxiety has been linked to stressful life events in the family” reassurance should be found in knowing that separation anxiety is a developmentally appropriate experience for children and will not affect their overall development or emotional health.
Why is Separation Anxiety So Common?
In the first few months of an infant’s life, they are generally happily passed around from stranger to stranger, though best comforted by their primary caregiver. Young children are completely dependent on their parents for caregiving and very early begin developing an emotional bond with them. Changes begin to occur when they learn the concept of object permanence: that objects and people exist even when they are no longer in sight. When parents leave the room, infants’ brains now better process the absence of this significant person in their life. This sensation and realization causes some increased anxiety with separating. In its expression, a child’s personality can play a large role in whether or not the separation is difficult for them or not. Some very social children quickly overcome the separation by engaging with the new person, while others are almost inconsolable that their “first choice” is no longer available.
In addition, although toddlers can grasp the concept of object permanence, they are still too young to understand the concept of time. According to child psychologists, “Leaving [toddlers and infants] in a room for a few minutes or… for a few hours feels like the same amount of time for them”. Even if you tell them how long you will be gone (e.g. “Honey, I’ll just be gone for half an hour to pick up a few groceries”), they cannot grasp what that means. Although they have seen their parents leave and come back many times, they are ill prepared to understand what length they will be left alone, which just makes separation difficult – and more sensitive children especially desperate in their response to losing their parents for a time.
As children grow older, their cognitive capacities expand, lowering the level of anxiety they feel when parents leave and their social and emotional competencies increase – allowing them to better enjoy the new environment or trusted adults who will be caring for them, with the confidence that their parents will return.
See Helping Children Navigate Separation Anxiety to learn how you can help your child work through separation anxiety in a healthy way.