By Allyse Jorgensen
Separation anxiety, the distress an infant, toddler, or young child experiences with separation from parents, is a developmentally typical reaction. Separation anxiety does not affect the overall development or emotional health of a child. Parents can better guide children through this process when they understand the forces behind infant/toddler attachment and development.
Many parents want to know what they can do to help their child have a more manageable relationship with being apart. Every child will respond differently to a parent’s efforts, but research speaks to some of the most beneficial things parents can do to help teach their child that separation is normal and has an end.
Introduce separation in a comfortable environment. Playing games such as peekaboo and hide-and-seek reinforce the idea for very young children that what is missing can come back. These simple games can help reinforce the fact that separations are usually temporary. When you move out of sight and know the infant will likely be distressed, give verbal clues, “I’m going outside for a few minutes to get some tomatoes from the garden. Here are your toys. I will be right back.” Through these simple means, the child gains more experience and confidence that what is missing for the moment will return. As a result, they learn to better cope and regulate their emotions during separation.
Although it’s tempting, never sneak out. Always say goodbye to a child, no matter how much they are screaming and crying. Parents “sneaking out” only weakens a child’s sense of trust and security because the exit seems more like you are “tricking them” and less like this need to separate is normal and planned. The key to helping a child through separation is making it predictable. When parents sneak out, the child may become more anxious at other times thinking that their parents are likely to disappear in any moment and without warning, which may cause the child to become more clingy in times when parents are not planning to leave.
Create a goodbye ritual and keep it short. A secret handshake or a series of kisses will help maintain routine and provide connection with the child before parents leave. Keep in mind that the child will read the distress on their parent’s face, so parents may need to manage their own emotional state and enjoy this goodbye ritual, leaving their children with a comforting smile. According to the experts, “prolonging the departure only makes it more stressful for [both the parent and child] and often the child calms down a few minutes after [their parent leaves]” (although a child going through a particularly sensitive phase, as well as sickness, unfamiliarity to separation, and a lack of sleep can affect the length of a child’s “calming down” period).
Make a routine and stick to it. Keeping a regular routine can help children develop a feeling of control over daily situations. Implementing simple tools, such as a picture chart showing a child all the steps it takes to get to preschool, allows a child to process the situations they will need to encounter long before they have to experience them.
Be proactive and prime the child ahead of time. Prepare the child for the separation by explaining the routine of the environment they will be in while emphasizing that their parent will return. Parents dropping their child off at preschool could prepare their child for separation by reminding them of the schedule such as, “remember, after lunch you get to make a craft with your friends”. As a child is able to predict separation events, they will be much more equipped to react positively to them.
Follow up. When reunited, parents should ask their child questions about their experience. This not only reconnects parent and child emotionally, but also allows a parent to show support for the experiences a child has while separated. Additionally, following up with the caregiver allows parents to monitor their child’s growth and progress in coping with separation.
Looking at the positives
Although hearing children cry and protest can be hard for parents, separation anxiety is actually proof of a healthy attachment between caregiver and child. It is developmentally healthy and natural for children to react this way to separation since it shows that they have a strong emotional attachment. Separation experiences can expand a child’s social world where they can learn new things including how to be adaptable from one situation to the next. Parents benefit from separation as well. Time away from children can help a parent become refreshed and rejuvenated.
Parents who worry their child is not growing out of separation anxiety fast enough can find comfort in learning that “every child is unique and there is no set time frame for when separation anxiety appears or disappears.” Reactions to separation vary and every child experiences a different relationship with separation. Factors such as personality, age, and familiarity of environment affect the timing and intensity of separation anxiety in a child’s life.
By implementing simple changes and routines to help their children through this developmentally typical phase of separation anxiety, parents can find comfort in knowing that their child’s anxiety will naturally pass and that there are simple practices, like those listed above, that they can implement to facilitate this process.
[Note: In some children, approximately 4-5%, a treatable mental illness, Separation Anxiety Disorder, occurs when severe separation anxiety behaviors last longer than expected for their age and stage of development. For approximately 95% of children, separation anxiety symptoms are developmentally typical and difficult reactions subside naturally over time.]
See Dealing with Separation Anxiety for Preschoolers in a Pandemic to learn ways to help your child transition into preschool this school year
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