By Allyse Jorgensen
The school year is here. For many parents and children, the first day of school is a time of anxiety and nervousness–but never more than this year. In this time of global pandemic, we are uncertain about what the school year will look like for our preschooler and how long it will last. For both parents and children going to preschool this fall, separation anxiety just might prove to be a harder obstacle than it has been before.
While some children would find it stressful to separate no matter the circumstances, others who have never experienced separation anxiety before may start exhibiting these behaviors due to pandemic stress. Others who have not had to separate from caregivers in months may hesitate. Just when it seemed that this would be no issue, the moment of separation may trigger new fears. To be best prepared, consider these research-based ways to prepare for separation in these uncertain times–and even in future, more certain times.
Before School
Here are some practical ways to prepare your child before school begins:
Prepare the child for the experience. Prepare the child for this transition to a new school year by helping them be familiar with what they will experience ahead of time. This could include talking through the daily schedule with your child to highlight the positives of being at preschool. Get them excited for fun activities they will experience and help them to feel comfortable while talking about it in their current–and therefore more predictable home environment. Attend any orientations. Gather photos of the preschool. Ease their fears by familiarizing them with pictures of their teachers, the classroom, and the playground so that they are in more familiar territory as soon as they leave your side.
Practice the drop off. Prepare the child for the separation moment by rehearsing the “drop off” in a familiar and comfortable environment first. For instance, arrange to take them to a friend’s house or grandma’s house. Instead of walking the child in, have this trusted adult pick them up directly from the car. This allows the child to learn how to separate more comfortably and establishes a “drop off” routine before they must encounter it at school. Maybe it’s an “I love you” with a kiss blown before they step out– or a secret handshake. As the experience of being dropped off becomes more familiar, they will be more comfortable with this practiced situation before the first day of preschool comes.
Prepare the night before. In a relaxed, rather than a hyper-stressed manner, take some time to talk to your child the night before. Choose clothing and set out their backpack so the next day is not rushed, and you are able to leave on time and with a smile.
Pay attention to your reactions and emotions. Parents need to reduce their own shows of fear to best help their preschooler cope with the uncertainty. It is likely that a preschool-aged child won’t recognize all the ways that things are “new” or different from regular schooling due to the virus. You can help to normalize the situation by avoiding the natural temptation to point them out (e.g., “Wow, this is such a crazy time – we never had to do this when your older brother was in preschool!”). When parents devote energy and attention emphasizing the changes or commenting on how abnormal the experience is, it shouldn’t be a surprise if the child does not do as well. Children pick up on parents’ expressions of fear, so find ways to calm yourself in order to make an already difficult transition for a child less stressful or unsettling than it needs to be.
Drop Off
Here are some practical tips for smoother drop-off experiences once you arrive:
Don’t dismiss the distress, but don’t let it control the situation. When parents dismiss a child’s separation distress by saying something like: “Oh come on, we talked about this,” they can add to their child’s distress. Do your best to refrain from getting frustrated with your child during any separation distress that may arise. Their reactions are often much more of a physiological “fight or flight” reaction than an attempt to manipulate. Help walk your child through this experience lovingly while still staying clear about the decision to separate, so they can go to school.
Explain but don’t negotiate. Before entering the separation environment, parents should feel free to explain the events and prepare their child in ways they see fit. However, when they are at the preschool drop-off and it is time to separate, there is not room (or time) for negotiation. Responding to the protests of a child with wishy-washy behavior and an extra dose of regret in the moment reinforces their tantrum behavior and teaches them that when they scream and cry, there is a delay of the aversive situation (separation) due to your shifting emotions. Since they might be more likely to react similarly the next time and this could become a pattern, be pleasant, but don’t negotiate. You both decided that preschool would be a great experience, so stick with your decision even in stressful moments.
Have someone else drop them off. Having someone else (who is familiar, but not you) drop them off, especially the first couple of times, may be helpful. Then, you have separated at home where they are more comfortable and can take their time to adjust, rather than in a rushed way at the drop-off with people waiting behind you. This can help them make a first easy transition as a preparation for the more difficult one – making the drop-off experience less stark than from parent straight to preschool. Transitioning from a familiar person they are not highly attached with to the preschool teachers is much less likely to be a “charged” environment. This practice may not work for every child but has proven useful to many parents.
After School
Once the child returns home, here are a few follow-up tips to keep their transition to school a healthy and happy one:
Quickly make their willingness to go to school more a routine occurrence than a heroic gesture. Refrain from congratulating your child for “making it through the school day” and especially “during a pandemic.” This sort of language is teaching your child that school is not only an “option” rather than a routine, but that it is something they must be brave to do (and therefore should fear). Do more of what you would do in more normal times. Ask them what they liked about school in a natural and relaxed way–remember, children pick up on your nervousness so if you are tense about any of the minor challenges they may have faced in their school day, they will be too. Keep a positive focus while talking to your child about various aspects of their day. If they feel comfortable to share, ask them about their new teachers, friends, activities, and snacks. If you guide the conversation to emphasize the many perks of being at preschool, they can use that focus to better handle separation events in the future.
· Recognize that children are still going to have the same preschool hang ups. Just because we are in a pandemic does not mean that every difficult behavior a child has is related to the pandemic. Pandemic or not, children are still going to have the same difficulties and separation hang-ups in transition between locations because of their age. It is totally alright to deal with things as a normal issue, not a pandemic issue – and this is probably best.
· Communicate with teachers. Parents should keep a good line of communication open with the people who are spending time with their child at school. Take time to read emailed information and stay up to date on the latest guidelines. Parents’ trust and their cooperation with teachers will help, especially since these teachers are well prepared and have gone to great lengths to take appropriate precautions to keep children safe. You are on the same team–and taking time to make sure this operates well as a team will help optimize the preschool experience and help children grow strong and develop in a healthy manner.
In the end, parents should expect setbacks and practice patience. Their child may not have experienced separation anxiety in the past, but in a global pandemic and with a sense of instability and change in the air, children may react in unexpected ways. Remember that separation anxiety is a natural part of growing up, indicates their strong attachment to parents, and can be managed without having a lasting negative effect on child development. Parents whose children experience some anxiety at school this year can experiment until they find the practical suggestions that will work best for their individual child.
For more information and tips about separation anxiety in children see the articles, Understanding Separation Anxiety & Helping Children Navigate Separation Anxiety by Allyse Jorgensen.